Dead Pirates’ “The Games I Never Finished”

The Games I never finished…

Very rarely will this happen to me. I come across a game that is so unbelievably bad that I just can’t finish it. A game that is flawed in such a way, that it actually hurts to play it. I’ve come across many in my time as a gamer, and believe me when I say I have scars from it. So I figured from time to time I’d share my horrible pain with you. Enjoy!

Spider-Man: Web of Shadows

It was supposed to be a free-roam action game where you could choose if Spidey would save the day by his own power, or would he succumb to using the darker sides of his world. Sadly, this game turned out to be an insult to Spider-Man fans everywhere. I played this game for about 5 to 6 hours. I gave it chance after chance to redeem itself, but it simply fell short. It was one of the biggest disappointments I’ve had to experience in a long time.

First off, I would like to address the story. It’s an entirely original story, which is a big plus…however…the writing is crappy and it doesn’t make sense…so what did they do to solve this?  They just added cameos!  That’s right, please welcome Wolverine and Moon Knight! I’m surprised Stan Lee isn’t in the game somewhere. Not that I mind a Marvel game that features tons of extra superheroes, they should have kept it closer to Spider-Man.

One more dig at the writing. Nothing is explained. Sure, I played the game only for a short time, but I’m sure they don’t answer a lot of questions that will arise. Why does a piece of the symbiote attach to Spider-Man? Why does Luke Cage know a heck of a lot more about web-slinging than Spidey? Why the #$%* is Spider-Man voiced by somebody going through puberty!?

Which brings me to the voice actors; Dear God, they should all be flogged. They all sound ridiculous and super campy. You think people would take it more seriously, considering both comic books and video games have seriously matured. (Part could also be blamed on the horrible dialogue.) Of course, the crowning achievement with this crap was none other than the leading man himself – Every time Spidey gets excited his voice cracks and unleashes a torrent of nails screeching on the chalkboard, mixed with a chorus of moaning cats. It makes me wish the actor who played Spider-Man in the 90’s cartoon would come back.

The gameplay is supposed to be the redeeming factor of this game…and I really hate to have to admit it, but it kinda is.  BUT!!  By no way does it redeem this game for being so dreadful, it just makes the experience easier to swallow. The combat flows pretty smoothly, divided by the two suits you can control; the Light side has more technique, while the dark side has brutal strength and car throwing. (You can guess which side I enjoyed more.) Stringing combos together is probably the most fun you will have in the game. It’s also fairly entertaining to watch; perhaps the one thing that did impress me was the aerial battles and fighting on the sides of buildings…which was subsequently ruined by the poor targeting and crappy web swinging mechanic. (There’s no saving this game at this point.)

I would like to end this game bashing with one simple fact. The game is ugly. Although it’s on a next gen system, the word “meh” seems to strike me the most when describing the environment. Most of the character models are nicely done. But when compared to the drab settings, they seem completely out of place.

This game is not one for the die hard fans…and I’m a die hard fan. This is clearly just an outright insult to anyone who cares about the Spider-Man franchise, so if you see this game sitting on a shelf in your local game store, please hide it behind better games. We do not want somebody accidentally hurting themselves.