What’s up you horror loving f*ckers!  I have some awesome news!! “The Lost Boys: The Thirst” will be released  on October 12, 2010 on blu-ray and regular dvd with loads of extra features!

The new film stars Corey Feldman (Lost Boys, Lost BoysII:The Tribe) and Jamison Newlander (Lost Boys) and Tanit Phoenix. This film is the third in the vampire film  saga and it is EXCITING!  Without further delay…here is the plot line from a fans’ (my) perspective :

A  very attractive novelist whose kid brother goes AWOL, and she believes that some vamps are holding him captive.  From there, she employs Edgar Frog to try and hunt him down.

While on the case to find the missing brother, Edgar finds that the vampires are producing a new drug which is a mixture of vamp blood and ecstasy, and also that the kid is being used as a sacrifice on the night of the thirst.

So there ya go, that is the best plot line I could come up with, without giving the full story away. Before I give my review on this new direct to DVD film, I must tell you that I had very low hopes for this movie, reason being is that the last movie within the franchise, as you may remember the tragic film, “Lost Boys II: The Tribe”, was an epic waste of time for everyone that was involved. So you can kind of see where my expectations of the new film were. I am a huge Lost Boys fan, so it would take a lot for me to overcome the big disappointment over the sequel.

Let’s get to it! THIS MOVIE IS F*UCK*ING AMAZING! I know you guys probably think this is just another vampire movie that has vamps killing and slaying everyone, well your F*ck*ng wrong! This movie brings what the original Lost Boys had brought to the table for sleek and cool vampire movies and at first you think this movie is going to be an epic failure, just as the sequel had been, but then you are totally blown away because of how much it ROCKS!

Feldman brightly brings back the character of Edgar Frog with a vengeance and does it right. His acting in this film was absolutely phenomenal! A lot of the fans of the original film had a lot of questions about the “Sam” character, originally portrayed by the late Corey Haim (r.i.p), to which I can only say so much about his characters’ role in the third film, I don’t want to ruin it for everyone.  To the previous answer, his (Corey Haim’s) character is in the film and they definitely pay a perfect homage to him.

This film opens other realms into “The Lost Boys” saga, which leaves a few deep holes in the film, however…big “HOWEVER”!  I have some exciting news…so close your cake hole!  Mr. Feldman announced that there are 3 more “Lost Boy” films in the works and that will add greatly to this series of  “The Lost Boys” film saga.

Here’s to a GREAT Job on making this one of the best Vampire movies of 2010!

Oooooo, one funny thing about this movie, that I HAVE to mention, is the fact that they rip on every single Twilight fan! I mean, I am a fan, but this movie makes you freaking laugh your ass off with some of the dialog that takes deep stabs at Twilight.

I give this movie a 4.5/5 stars, The acting needed a little work from some of the co-stars, the script writing was pure genius, and the abundance of beautiful, bouncing Ta-Ta’s was outstanding!  So, do yourself a favor and go buy this movie!  They are set to release “The Lost Boys: The Thirst” on Blu-ray and regular DVD, October 12, 2010.

Jack “The Whore of Horror” Hunter

Let me begin with this: Inception blew me the f*&k away. I really should have seen that coming, and it’s really all my fault. You see, I don’t have the raging boner for Christopher Nolan that everybody else does. Which is weird, because I’ve liked all of his movies. For casting David Bowie as Nikola Tesla, Nolan should have been my favorite filmmaker ever. He’s not. But he’s good.

It’s good WB’s rolling in Batman money, which allows Nolan to do whatever the hell he wants between franchise pictures. First he did The Prestige, which I loved but need to see again. Now he’s gone and done Inception, which is a heavy candidate for Movie of the Year. Yes, it’s THAT good. And this year has been THAT bad.

The premise of Inception is this: Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) is an Extractor, meaning he can enter your mind while you dream and steal information. Arthur (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) researches the subject (in this case, Cillian Murphy) to decide how best to approach him.  Eames (Tom Hardy whom I can never recognize when he’s in a movie) poses as figures from the target’s memories. Yusuf (Dileep Rao) concocts the drugs that makes extraction possible. Ariadne (Ellen Page) builds the dreamworld where this all takes place. Oh, and Saito (Ken Watanabe) is the guy who hired them — and this time he’s not in the movie for only five seconds!

And here you think, “An ensemble of characters, each of whom has a specific job? Why, that sounds like a heist film!” Well, you’re absolutely right, person who writes exactly like me. Inception is a seamless act of genre blending. At heart, it’s a heist movie, but it’s also a Matrix-style reality-bending sci-fi flick and, in the third act, a James Bond film complete with skiing, snowmobiles and explosions. Under less deft hands this would seem erratic, but Christopher Nolan keeps it all together so we don’t notice the film’s different components.

It sounds like a lot to wrap one’s head around, but Nolan’s script explains it all quite nicely without it seeming like a mound of exposition. A lot of viewers are going to have the trouble understanding all this talk about dreams and world building and constructed realities, but let them be lost. Inception is for smart people who like a bit of challenge in their summer popcorn fair.

Which isn’t to say that Inception is stuffy or pretentious. Christopher Nolan’s script is always fun and surprisingly humorous. And the thing is overflowing with tension — something we’re not used to in cinema because most major films these days are franchise fare in which we already know what’s going to happen because it has to set up for the sequel. You know that unsureness you feel about what’s going to happen throughout the movie? That’s what watching an ORIGINAL film is like.

Also in lesser hands, this would be a very dumb and trendy sci-fi extravaganza — of course, in 3D — with everyone in leather catsuits. It would feel immediately dated — in the bad way. However, in Nolan’s hands everybody’s in nice suits, giving it an elegant ‘70s feel instead of a ephemeral, trendy feel. Inception in a film is going to age really, really well because of that.

And — my God — it’s a summer film, a genre full of big, dumb movies. It’s especially good this year, where nearly every summer tentpole film has been total garbage. What was the last good one? Iron Man 2? Yikes. Surely this rubbish season makes Inception, a smart, thoughtful sci-fi flim, look even better by comparison. Thank you, bad movies!

By Danny Djeljosevic

As a kid, I was never a fan of anything horror.  In addition to the fact that my parents never let me watch anything bloody or nightmare inducing, I was a jittery kid.  So even if they would have given me the chance, I’d pass anyway.  The furthest I ever got was watching the Real Ghostbusters.  And it wasn’t until a few years ago that I unearthed and embraced my love for the scary side of cinema.   Still, there are some properties that just never really clicked for me, including the Predator movies.  So, needless to say that bar wasn’t set very high for the new Predators movie-or, in fact, there wasn’t a bar at all for me.   But…

I liked it!

Since I had no emotional attachment, I wasn’t worried about them messing with lore or changing up things and luckily for you fans, there isn’t much of that…or any at all, now that I think about it.  The film is set in our modern era (? at least, I think so-it’s not really important) where various professional murderers and killers are mysteriously rounded up and left to fend for themselves on an alien planet.  After they resolve their differences, they soon realize they are mere sport for a band of hunting Predators on a nice weekend outing in the woods.

The story is for sure nothing new; you’ve seen it all before.  But that doesn’t mean it’s bad.  There are some twists and turns, again nothing incredibly fresh but it isn’t presented in a stale manner, so who cares?  You have a good time, and that’s what you want to spend your money on.  The action is sweet, with lots of bullets flying and explosions that you want.  Also, the Predators look sweet-including the fancy new, steroid Predator.

As soon as the movie was announced and it was reported that Adrian Brody was playing the main roll, I thought it strange: the actor in The Pianist?  That guy?  I could take that guy in a mostly fair fight.  Regardless, he did a good job.  He’s tough and bulky- I mean, why wouldn’t he?  He’s a good actor.  I still had a little problem with it though; Adrian Brody does not scream “action hero” to me.  It’s not so much that it takes me out of the movie or is an annoyance…it’s just weird.  Especially when he does his tough guy Christian Bale voice.  Also notably, Laurence Fishburne is cast perfectly in a crazy guy role-that guy can act crazy!  Everyone else…is all right; no Oscar worthy material here.  Although, it was pretty exciting to see Danny Trejo on the big screen again (I love that guy!)

So all in all, Predators is a solid movie that I didn’t see coming…thank you, Robert Rodriguez.  You always do a great job and haven’t let me down yet.  The only big complaint I had about it was the ending-I was looking for a lot more; heck, you could have even given me a crazy giant twist ending rather than that!  But don’t just-

-oh wait, I forgot you haven’t seen it.  Go out and see it now.  Then come back so we can talk about it.

Matthew Rios

Hello Kiddies.  Remember that horrible movie review (not my actual review…but the movie I REVIEWED) that I wrote last time about an incredible cartoon series turned to crap on the “Big Screen”?  Ya, I know…the painful memories are still with me as well.  And remember how I compared it to a film that it should have been?  Well that movie that it (The Last Airbender) should have been is what I am reviewing today…and that movie is: “Despicable Me”.

“Despicable Me” is an incredibly entertaining 3D movie by the great group of lunatics from Universal and Illumination Entertainment…this means there are some other players on the block now for great 3D Animated Features…in the vein of “Shrek”, “Horton Hears a Who” and “Monsters INC.” – just to name a few.

“Despicable Me” stars a great line-up of comedic actors, Steve Carell in the title role as “Gru”, a super villain getting up in years (I feel his pain), who loves to be the bad guy, actually revels in it and aspires to be the GREATEST VILLAIN EVER!! MMMWhahahahahaha! (cough) ah, that is until his plans take a little detour when three wonderful little girls, sisters, show up at his door step one day to sell him the equivalent of what amount to be “Girl Scout Cookies”.

I could divulge more and ruin the whole thing for you…but that would be…wait for it…wait for it!  Despicable…HA!

In addition to Steve Carell, we have the fun voice talents of Jason Segal, Russle Brand, Will Arnett, Miranda Cosgrove and the ever lovely, Julie Andrews (who every one knows played “Mary Poppins” and popped out of her shirt and showed us the “lovely’s” in her husbands’ movie “S.O.B.” – - her husband being the incredible screen writer/director “Blake Edwards” – - look him up kiddies…you’ll be surprised).

Now is the incredible animation of this movie Fresh? New? Original?  Nah.  However, it does go to show you that sometimes…animation for certain stories and presentations does beat the hell out of “live action” adaptations…as is the case of “The Last Airbender” – Ooooooo…ouch…too soon?

To be honest…the animation and the usage of the newest in 3D technology is getting better and better…it truly is fun to watch what these studios can do now with 3D animation…it really is.  Speaking of which…don’t leave the theater until AFTER the credits!  Or else…you’ll feel like a schmuck for leaving.

So, again…great voice talent cast in this movie, a fun story, great dialog, animation, 3D usage and over all – a fun, child like time watching Gru do what he does, fight his adversary, command his incredibly hilarious minions, deal with the invasion of the sweet little girls who he…oh crap!  I almost gave it away!  How…despicable.

I hope you have as much fun watching this as I did…and remember…share the love…bring one of your kids, cousins, niece, nephews…what ever…as long as the kids belong to you…because if not…that would be BAD and we do prosecute severely if…well…you get the picture.

Your demented Uncle Laurence

OK Kiddies…to say that M. Night Shyamalan (Who ROCKED and was absolutely BRILLIANT with “The Sixth Sense” and “Unbreakable”) should be taken out back and put down like a lame horse who is WAY past his prime, is an understatement.  He should never, EVER be allowed to propose an idea for a motion picture EVER AGAIN!!

I know that is incredibly mean, nasty and harsh…but DAMN!  Come ON!!  How can you seriously screw up an incredible and very popular cartoon series that has fans from my sons age; 11 all the way to my age; 43?!  I mean, SERIOUSLY!  Even my son, who has watched every episode that has aired on Nickelodeon since 2006, said that this movie “sucked”.  No kidding, my son thought the whole entire movie was a waste of time and thank G-d we didn’t have to pay for our tickets…we’re Press and we’re COOL, that way.  I mean, if I had to pay for the tickets to see such crap…I would have been PISSED!

Through the movie, my son was informing me on how much was missed from the original storyline, the character development, the order of events which took place, and HOW DAMN LONG each execution of their moves took!  I felt gray hairs growing in places that I am ashamed to mention.  Most importantly…they skipped way too many events that happened within and shaped the first season that comprises the entirety of “Book 1″.

This movie even screwed up the pronunciation of the characters names…THEIR NAMES for CRYING OUT LOUD…COME ON!

On the positive side…not much to state…but here ya go:  The little actor who played “Ang” was very impressive and the backgrounds we’re stunning…ok…that’s it…I’m done with the minor compliments.

So…stay home for this one, save your money and time…this movie has nothing to offer further than what you have seen within the trailers…sad.

That’s it for me kiddies…my next report will be on “Despicable Me”…what “The Last Airbender” should have been like….oooooouuuu…ouch…THAT HURT!

Laurence E. Gibbs

OK!  So I am running a little behind on my review of Adam Sandler & Co’s latest comedy…”Grown Ups”.  I have been…well…ah…I…ah…no real excuse…just not being a responsible “Grown Up” I guess.

So…on to the review:

“Grown Ups” has the cast of Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, David Spade and his other buddies from his long standing production company of “Happy Madison”…plus the ever so incredibly HOT, SEXY and “Gosh, I wish I could have been so lucky to have nailed” – Selma Hayek.

The movie takes place in New Hampshire, which is absolutely gorgeous during the summer months in which the movie takes place, specifically on the 4th of July weekend, and shows childhood friends gathering together to bury the coach who was their mentor and saw them as Jr. Champions of their towns basketball league.

This movie is really not very different from many of Adam Sandlers’ other movies in which you get the usual childish/sophomoric humor and juvenile antics plus the bonding of friends in their usual slapstick type way.

Long story, short…you’re either a Adam Sandler fan or you are not…for myself…I am and I understand that Adam Sandler always has roughly the same formula, same presentation…for the most part and same usual gang of players…which for me is cool…because Adam Sandler is a person who loves sharing the love and is one who knows the true meaning of friendship and loyalty…which comes through in every story.

The moral to the movie and what really shows through in almost every movie he does is simply this:  Family, friendship, being a good person and doing the right thing in life is way more important than the money you make, the business you have or how important you “think” you are…and for me…I like those types of morals.

So, if you’re looking for incredibly brilliant and intellectual humor in a movie…it ain’t this one.  However, if you want a feel good, silly, reminiscent of old times and friendships you wish you would have kept or are fortunate enough to still have and chuckling about how life isn’t always what you expect, but at least it has given you what you need and those who love you to share it with…then “Grown Ups” is the movie you need to see.

Thank you Adam Sandler for showing us that life really is about who loves you, who shares your happiness and who shares your pain…even when that pain is more painful than an arrow in the foot.

Now go out there and bring your buds to see this flick, and have a few shots afterwards while you’re laughing and reminiscing about your own childhood memories and the really stupid things you did.

What do you get when you get angry women who all are at “that time” of the month and a virus that makes all the women in a small British town crave every single man’s flesh? Well the answer to that question would be in the new horror/comedy film, “Doghouse”. This movie stars Danny Dyer, Stephen Graham, Noel Clark and Terry Stone.

Now I know what you’re thinking, another zombie film? Well, yes it is, but this movie has so much more to offer than the typical zombie movie. Yes, this is a British movie, but the acting and script writing was absolutely amazing!

Here it goes, Vince is handling his divorce badly, he’s depressed and has gone to pieces. But his mates aren’t giving up on him, struggling with their own women troubles, they drag him off for an ultimate lads drinking weekend in the country.

Arriving in the village of Moodley, where the women outnumber the men 3:1. Yep the ratio of women to men does sound quite amazing doesn’t it? In this case, the odds turn out to be the worst odds ever imagined  as the boys find themselves holidaying in a village overrun by psychotic, homicidal “Zombirds” with a thirst for male flesh… a movie that depicts women turning into zombies and killing every single man in the village, are you kidding me?

The acting in this movie was quite good and I must say the story line and how they developed it went very smoothly.

There was never a dull moment in this movie, you wanted to see what would happen next and you wanted to see some…..TnA……(need I say more?) You actually get quite a lot of TnA in this movie, but unfortunately seeing a very and un-excusable obese woman with a butcher knife is not the kind of TnA I was expecting, but it was super hilarious. She cuts off the fingers of men and eats them like lollipops. I wonder what else she eats like a lollipop? GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

I give this movie a 5/5 stars, for once, the British did a superb job and creating and putting out a comedy that we Americans can actually laugh at! Yes there is TnA and yes there are some things that you would not normally want to see, but under these circumstances it actually mixed very well! So go get or buy this movie, it’s well worth the watch!

Jack “The Whore of Horror” Hunter

You’re my friend and you ask me, “So how was that new movie Jonah Hex?” I would say, “It wasn’t that great.” This is how movies get rated in the real world. I go see movies and skip them based on what the people I trust say about them. Jonah Hex is simply not that great. It fails in almost every way that a comic book movie can.

It fails to adequately prepare audience members who have never read the Jonah Hex comic books and it left me, someone who knows the Jonah Hex story, very confused. The movie starts haphazardly, unleashing an unorganized medley of poorly constructed back-story elements. I would compare this movie to a fat man stumbling through a crowded mall. It bounces off of one awkward plot point after another with only a rudimentary idea of where it will end up.

It also falls victim to another comic book cliché. The movie opens with a strong display of the title character’s abilities, prowess, agility and strength. But that level of strength and power, and that intensity of action, is never seen again in the movie. Such is the case with Jonah Hex. While the movie does offer some genuinely funny one-liners, the action sequences leave something to be desired.

Megan Fox is not a good actress, Josh Brolin, on the other hand is a really good actor. Megan Fox is super hot, as we would expect and she delivers a pretty average performance in this movie…also…as we would expect.  John Malkovich, as always, delivers an incredible bad-guy and  is great as Quintin Turnbull—Hex’s nemesis.

The movie is predictable as it is short, thus this review is also short, simply because there was nothing exceptional about Jonah Hex.

Shaun “The Stalker” Keating

What a quaint play on words for the title of the movie: Knight and Day.

The two main characters are completely opposite of each other in regards to personality and abilities that they are as different as night and day. There is also a sly connection to the idea of the lead male character acting as a modern day version of a knight in shining armor for the leading woman.

Roy Miller is his name and he works as a national security agent who holds plenty of combat skill, which serves to protect his lady in waiting, June, from the evil people of the world. The only real catalyst of the relationship would be the fact that he dragged her into a life-threatening situation to begin with, which led to the dilemma that he constantly had to protect her from the dangerous criminals who presumed she was his working partner.

Would it be a mere coincidence that Roy has a minor fascination with selecting a small toy knight as the perfect item to protect and conveniently disguise a highly valuable commodity that the bad guys are hoping to get their grubby hands upon? Why did he select a toy knight? Well, it brings back childhood memories for him. Roy Miller is not his birth name, because the government had it legally changed. He birth name is Knight.

The moment of enlightenment has arrived. For those of you who were expecting the film to be all about Keira Knightley might want to go rent a copy of King Arthur.

Setting aside the play on words insinuated by the title of the film, we are left with the true intentions of the story. It is a hybrid film of the action genre and the situation comedy. Tom Cruise is no stranger to the genre of action films. Casting him in the lead role brings to the film a certain element of confidence and physical agility that movie fans have associated with him for decades. He can make tough situations look so easy to manage. He has appeared in several films under the Mission Impossible title and the audience buys into the belief that Tom Cruise has been appropriately named as a person who could “cruise” through any particular situation without breaking a sweat.

His co-star in Knight and Day is also very familiar with the action genre film. Cameron Diaz has appeared in two Charlie’s Angels films and has demonstrated how she is able to knock down an army of criminals with a few smooth moves during hand-to-hand combat fights. However, in this film she is playing a panic-stricken car mechanic from Boston afraid of having several guns pointed at her while she is attempting to control a runaway vehicle on a metro highway. Her character is named June Havens, which is just as a tongue-in-cheek name as her sister April. The choice of character names for her and her sister is aptly selected for the two months, which most people would consider a more serene time of the year. However, they are also the two months in the spring and early summer that would receive April showers and June gloom.

Wait, what was point of that driveling trivia? Yes, her sister April is getting married in the movie, which means wedding bells and baby showers, an oddball connection, really. However, how could I forget about the heroine of the story? Her name is June and she is destined to experience a gloomy situation. Ha! Is it ever so obvious that I am really stretching it here in order to make random connection to plausible hidden meanings? Maybe the writer was not even thinking about littering his story with such ideal hidden messages when he was concocting the story from his imagination. I doubt it though.

At the basic level of the story, we have a knight in shining armor saving a damsel in distress from a gloomy situation which he accidentally placed her in while trying to save a young wizard from a fire-breathing dragon. Okay, so I have not even talked about the young wizard and the dragon in detail yet. The wizard would be a mathematical engineering genius kid who has designed and built a small battery that is close in dimensions to a D-size battery cell. It contains enough energy to power a small city for a lengthy period without ever need to be recharged. The evil fire-breathing dragon would be the government agent who wants to steal the battery and sell it to the highest bidder who may or may not use the device for evil intent.

However, since the highest bidder is a weapons dealer from Spain, it would be expected to presume that he would be running amuck with all kinds of evil deeds with a small battery.

Over the course of the story, we witness several elements of the espionage action film. It begins with a traditional bait-and-switch maneuver enacted by the hero of the film, which accidentally pulls the innocent bystander into a realm of crazy government espionage. Why does this happen? Because the innocent bystander is determined to catch her flight home, which is the same scheduled flight the hero had intentionally blacklisted her from boarding. However, she is able to garner access back on to the flight and pretentiously obtained a one-way ticket upon the thrill ride of her life.

Although the journey provokes her into several fits of utter panic, there may never be another opportunity for her to travel the world visiting a tropical island, several destination spots in Europe, and even board a memorable train ride to visit the Alps in Austria. The average car mechanic in America is a traditional blue-collar worker who may not be able to afford the cost of traveling the world, but she has been given the trip of a lifetime.

Of course, I cannot complain, because her journey is fun and exciting to watch. Taking a broad view of the entire film, it is definitely entertaining and fun to watch. The same level of humor, fun, and excitement that we have seen in the promotional commercials is expanded upon in the film. The experience of watching the film is not ruined a single bit if you have seen the commercials beforehand.

The action sequences are fun and exciting to watch. Although a few of the stunts tend to defy the laws of gravity, I was not completely baffled by the implausibility of each maneuver. It annoys me when the action sequences tend to ignore all the natural laws of physics and gravity as if they were designed and enacted while shooting the film with benefit of zero gravity that would naturally available out in space! The humor between the two main characters is what places the icing on the cake for the entire film. The chemistry between the two people is what really pulled me into the story. It really cemented the deal for me. This sort of connection is something that has placed it apart from all the other action comedy films.

I would definitely be recommending this film over a few other summer blockbuster movies. I believe it is worth the time and the money to see it.

Submitted by Guest Writer: Dallas Heinlein

I’m so tired of Hollywood re-making movies, or even worse: making old TV shows into movies.  I just don’t understand it; if you don’t have the same cast, locations, or feel…what’s the point?  That’s the first thought I had when I saw the A-Team movie trailer: a big-budget, CGI overflow…without Mr. T?  What’s the A-Team minus Mr. T?  It’s like ice cream without sugar or a pretty girl with short hair: tasteless.  But the trailer itself didn’t seem that bad and looked a bit interesting so I went out and saw it (mostly because it was free and I had to).  So…?

The movie really isn’t half bad.

The problem with these reboots and re-imaginings in Hollywood is that the adaptation loses the entire point of the original source material.  I wasn’t a big A-Team watcher when I was a kid; if I had to choose an action-adventure TV show featuring an iconic pop-culture car from the 1980’s, it was Knight Rider for me all the way.  But I do remember watching the wonderfully ridiculous intro full of explosions and car flippings and I enjoyed it.  I also understand that the show was a fun tongue-in-cheek adventurous romp: no massive bloodshed, no dire situations, no thought provoking moral dilemmas….just good old fashioned fun.  And one of the reasons why I enjoyed the movie was because it held the same feeling: amusing, silly, over the top and laid back fun.  The situations were extreme and absurd, the action was over the top and dynamic, and the characters were two dimensional and light hearted.  They didn’t re-interpret these old characters as cold blooded, mercenary assassins- just what you want from an A-Team movie.

The cast wasn’t bad; Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel-they all did good jobs in representing the legendary TV characters we remember (or in Miss Biel’s case, simple eye candy).  Heck, even Quentin ‘Rampage’ Jackson (whoever that is) did a good job of channeling the proper Mr. T energy without parodying it or butchering it with terrible impression.  More importantly, he didn’t make me hate him the entire time.

Of course, nothing will be a good substitute for classic entertainment we remember; sometimes nostalgia is just that and should be left in the past.  But I suppose if you really stick to the whole point of the thing, it’s a fun way to get the word out to new audiences and to bring back some of those old feelings.  So if you wanna sit back and actually enjoy a fun movie that isn’t full of pop culture references, call in sick, buy a big bucket of popcorn, and just enjoy yourself.  I love it when a movie isn’t as terrible as I thought it would be.

Matthew Rios

“Splice” has a cool creature and little else

When it comes to what is wrong with the new science fiction/horror/comedy movie, “Splice,” the list is extensive. Therefore, before focusing on the faults of the picture and merely creating a diatribe of disdain, let’s take a moment to comment on what the film does well.   The centerpiece monster is a young woman-thing named Dren (Delphine Chaneac) and she is a wonder to observe. Created by make-up masters Howard Berger and Greg Nicotero, Dren is cool mix of a jumble of creatures that makes for a beast that is both sexy and creepy. Her features are striking with her huge, wide set eyes (a look straight out of 2007’s vampire flick “30 Days of Night”) and a long tail that is equipped with a slimy and deadly stinger. It is fun to watch her saunter around for a while but once the novelty wears off; “Splice” is left with little else to offer.

“Splice” tells the story of rock star DNA scientists Clive Nicoli (Adrien Brody) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley) who specialize in the splicing the genes of different species to make hybrids that look much like giant computer generated flesh toned tongues. These hybrids are used to create proteins that help fight diseases in animals. Elsa would like to take the next logical step and introduce human DNA into the mix with the hope of finding the cure for cancer. The moral and ethical questions are too much for the pharmaceutical company that funds their research and Elsa and Clive are told to desist from any further experiments. Elsa, in a move that echoes Eve biting the fruit of knowledge, continues with the project and Clive reluctantly follows.

What they create is a frightened, deformed childlike oddity that Elsa names Dren. With no children of her own, Elsa quickly begins to treat Dren as her child. Dren is aging rapidly and soon she resembles a young woman (with a tail and kangaroo legs). In a risky move, the two transport Dren to Elsa’s family farm for more seclusion and Dren begins to morph into something more dangerous and frightening. Both Elsa and Clive bond to Dren in different and disturbing ways and once the bonds begin to erode, Dren’s true nature takes shape.

“Splice” starts out promising, with atmospheric scenes in the laboratory shot with blown out florescent lighting that makes the actors look sickly and intense. The film delivers the promised goo and gore early and the premise is quickly established. Once the monster is introduced, however, the story has little where else to go. Everything gets repetitive and slowly losses its logic and urgency. This is the type of schlock that is peddled over at the SyFy Channel that might have made for a descent episode of “Masters of Horrors”.

As far as names go, “Splice” is a suitable title for this film as it is an amalgamation of several familiar tales. This is “Frankenstein” meets “Alien” meets “The Fly Part 2” meets “Species” meets etc. The familiar subject and tone of the film is hard to enjoy and director Vincenzo Natali does nothing to add anything fresh or original to the clichés stringed together to makeup his film.  Brody and Polley both come across as bored and unengaged with the proceedings going on around them. There is a shift late in the film that makes the rest of the film (intentionally?) laughable and much of the finale is far too predictable. What good there is in “Splice” is pulled thin and what is left is a boring and plodding mess.

By David Pinson

Easy Rider, True Grit (with John Wayne), Apocalypse Now, Blue Velvet, Rumble Fish (with Nicholas Cage, Mickey Rourke and Matt Dillon), The Osterman Weekend (with Rutger Huer, John Hurt and Craig T. Nelson), True Romance (as Christian Slater’s Father, also starred Christopher Walken and the late Christopher Penn), [even though the movie sucked-"WaterWorld"].

He was one of Hollywood’s “Real and True” bad boys, not the damn posers that we have today who “Think” they’re bad…Dennis, Jack Nicholson, Peter Fonda, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, and Christopher Walken, amongst others from that generation, knew how to live and keep everything in check and not be such publicity whores, who unfortunately dominate the sickening “Tabloid Scene” of today’s “Journalistic [hack-cough] Publications” of today.

These guys, amongst whom I have mentioned, were my influences in this industry, to name a few and will forever be one of the greatest generation of actors that graced the now and ever increasingly silly world, we call “Hollywood”.

So, here is to you Mr. Hopper…we’re going to miss you, we love you and the world of movies would have NEVER been the same without you. Have an incredible time in the after life, my friend…may you always ROCK!  Mr. Easy Rider.

One of your adoring fans,

Laurence

Coming in June: Avatar: The Last Airbender: The Complete Book 1 Collector’s Edition DVD

Some fans seem to be worried about M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender film because a majority of the cast isn’t Asian. More worrying is that the non-white people in the movie like Dev Patel and Aasif Mandvi are playing villains. Granted, they’ll have more fun, but it doesn’t look good when all the brown people are bad guys. Especially in a movie by M. Night Shyamalan, who should know better. Me, I’m more interested in how the movie itself will turn out because Shyamalan is known for dour, self-important films, so I’d like to see how he tackles an adventure movie. We’ll see.

Even if the movie sucks, the fans will still have the animated series. To coincide the movie, Paramount is releasing a 7-disc edition of the first “Book” (which I assume is a cute way of saying “Season”) of Avatar: The Last Bender with special features like audio commentary, behind-the-scenes and “making of” documentaries to go along with the show’s 20 episodes. The thing’s got a retail price of $57.99, so save up, kids.

I caught a bit of Avatar: The Last Airbender on TV once and it seemed cool enough. Pretty decent western anime style and adventure trappings. Reminded me a bit of the original Dragon Ball anime, which I can dig. Dragon Ball Z is so overrated. So is James Cameron’s Avatar (the non-airbending kind), but that’s a different discussion entirely.

It has been quite a long time since I have watched a movie based upon a skit from Saturday Night Live. To be honest with you it has been a long time since I have even watched a complete episode of the show itself. Wayne’s World would have to be the last film adaptation of a skit from SNL that I can honestly remember watching and completely enjoying the experience. However, the film was released back in the early 1990s and here we are nearly twenty years later with the arrival of another SNL skit based movie being released in the movie theaters. Is anyone still into watching these movies? There have been several films starring comedians from the popular weekend show, but not very many of those movies are actually based upon a skit from the show. An all time personal favorite adaptation to the movie screen would be The Blues Brothers (1980). That film would have to be marked as the pinnacle of the SNL films as far back as I can remember. The other adaptations include Coneheads, A Night at the Roxbury, It’s Pat, Stuart Saves His Family, and Superstar.

Nearly all of these films have contributed to a one particular coined phrase that is floating around the internet: The SNL Stigma. Throwing around such a phrase in a nonchalant manner would be a short hand way of implying that the producers of these film adaptations are finding their hard work and labor to be nothing more than a wasted effort after the film lands right into the gutter where just about everyone will forget about it. There are only two movies on their list of films that I have truly enjoyed watching (Blues Brothers and Wayne’s World), so it would be a bit premature if I were to be pumped up and excited about watching the latest installment of SNL adaptations.

MacGruber is based upon a simplistic formula of comedic errors. The primary character constantly boasts about his talent for being a highly skilled handyman while frequently stumbling into numerous situations, which would involve the use of his self-proclaimed skills in order to defuse a life-threatening situation. The result is consistently guaranteed to end in comedic failure. On the television show, this skit would usually be clocked at a running time of five minutes or less. In light of this bit of information, would it be possible to have the skit stretched out to a running length of nearly ninety minutes? As proven by the creation of the MacGruber film it has, but it is not necessarily something that has been expected by the large amount of people who have vocalized their growing disinterest in the show over the last few years.

There is an intriguing bit of news that I recently heard. There is a rumor flying around on the internet that a film adaptation of MacGyver is in the works with a possible release date set for sometime in 2011. This marks a particular moment of interest to me, because I consider it unusually interesting how a television comedy skit, which is a satirical representation of a popular television show from twenty years ago, is adapted into a feature length film before the twenty year old television show chalks up its own adaptation. Ultimately, I would imagine that it all boils down to the carnivorous business plan that thrives upon earning a profit by riding the successful coattails of another popular project.

After randomly mentioning such a random observation, I shall now move on to the review of the MacGruber film itself.

There was a certain amount of effort on my part to be as unbiased about the film as I possibly could muster up. I wanted to sit down in the movie theater and view the film as a completely self-enclosed storyline. It would be tremendously impossible to separate it from any possible outside influence since it is supposed to be a comedy spoof adapted from a television skit. The biggest concern prior to the start of the film was the plausible risk of being prematurely exposed to all of the funniest moments in the film being promoted within all of the television advertisements and the promotional trailers. It would be a safe presumption to say that there is more funny material available in the movie without being completely ruined by all the promotional videos that the audience may have been exposed to watching before sitting down to see the actual movie. However, the quirky humor in the film is consistently equal in the film as it is within the commercials and promotional trailer. However, what separates the movie from the television skit would be the increased amount of vulgarity that infiltrates the humor of just about every scene. The heavy artillery of foul language such as the f-bomb and alternative ways of saying crap would usually be banned from basic cable television in America, but within the movie, the characters find ways of cluttering their vocabulary with such colorful language that would make every conservative viewer blush. However, I highly doubt that average conservative view would even bother sitting down to watch this movie anyway.

As the case may be for a large number of comedy films my expectations are usually set at a lower standard than for a dramatic film that would possibly be deserving of an admirable award. Within my own perspective, I would classify MacGruber to be a quality example of a B-Class movie, if not pushing down the C-Class level. This is not entirely a bad thing for a movie, since it can still be seen as an enjoyable form of entertainment. However, the point I would like to bring to your attention is the existence of two actors who have made frequent appearances in A-Class films suddenly showing up in a prominent role within this film. What happened to you, Val Kilmer? What is with the sudden desire to play a super rich, maniacal villain in a comedy film? Was it the paycheck? In addition, I must ask about the decision of having Ryan Phillippe dance around the screen with no pants, no underwear, and a stalk of celery protruding from between his butt cheeks. Has his career really fallen to such an all time low after breaking up with Reese Witherspoon in 2008? How sad it must be for him.

By the end of the movie, there was a certain amount of personal expectations, which were fulfilled. Considering that I thought the movie would be an utter disaster, there were a few moments in the film that are enjoyable and entertaining. However, I was not laughing aloud very often, and several of the jokes provoked a chuckle or two at best. Although my own personal humor was not in complete alignment with the film, I have noted the huge amount of laughter from the audience throughout a large portion of the movie. The style of humor has been lowered down to the high school level to attract a large audience base, but it has not placed an appropriate mark upon my style of humor.

As would be appropriate for writing up a film review, the time has come to offer a proper recommendation. With all honesty, I would only recommend this film to those viewers who are a fan of the MacGruber skits on Saturday Night Live or enjoy a roundabout comedy with a few jokes with scat and sex references mixed into the storyline. The film offers a nice change up for my day, but in a short amount of time, I can easily forget about this movie and just move on to another one.

Greetings Tossers!

Today I have a few questions for all you sci-fi nerds out there. Have you ever wanted your own lightsaber?  Does hearing the words “A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away” gets you excited? Did you just want to take a swing at Jar-Jar? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then you good sir are being presented a wonderful opportunity! Spike TV, the manliest station on earth, is celebrating the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back on May 22nd!

Many years ago, about 30 actually, the sequel to one of the biggest social phenomenon ever to hit theaters was released. Its predecessor, A New Hope, had already carved its way into millions of nerd’s hearts. They would wonder “Will episode V live up to the hype?” Little did they realize, The Empire Strikes Back was here to make them fall in love all over again. Despite several mixed reviews, the film grew to be a solid family member of the Star Wars Trilogy. Now wouldn’t it be great if some TV station would broadcast this amazing masterpiece in some extravagantly ludicrous way? Which reminds me…

Spike TV is calling out all fans to check out the giant simulcast of The Empire Strikes Back in Times Square on MTV’s 44 1/2 video board. They will also be airing the entire original trilogy across the nation starting at 1:00 PM and ending at 3:30 AM ET/PT. (The full schedule is at the bottom!) Get ready to don your Vader Helmets and have your popcorn at your side, for it will be one epic day of geeking out.
For extra enjoyment, check out the fun videos and trailers at Spike.com/starwars. And as promised, here are the showtimes for the movies!

·       1:00 – 4:00 PM, ET/PT - Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope

·       4:00 – 7:00 PM, ET/PT - Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back

·       7:00 – 10:00 PM, ET/PT – Star Wars: Episode VI  Return of the Jedi

·       10:00 PM – 1:00 AM, PT/ET - Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope

·       1:00 – 3:30 AM, ET/PT - Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back

Brandon “Dead Pirate” Chesney

Greetings Tossers!

What do you get when you toss is some great actors (Russel Crowe, Cate Blanchett, William Hurt, and Max Von Sydow), a well known and beloved ancient legend, plus an incredible, Award Winning Director; Ridely Scott?  No really, what do you get?

Well, you don’t the incredible epic that you would expect to get from such an incredible collection of individuals and an endearing story/legend.

Ridely stated that he wanted to “rewrite” the legend of “Robin Hood”, and tell the story from a different angle…well…it’s different all right.  The only issue was that the movie didn’t really know where it wanted to go…did it want to be an “Action” movie? A “Historic Epic”?  We’re really not too sure…it’s kind of like being Sybil, you really don’t know what personality you are at the time.

In all seriousness, I did enjoy the movie and was entertained by it…however…saying that…was the movie “Different”? Yes.  Was it “Enjoyable”? Yes. And yes, it was even “Entertaining”…but an “Epic” as it should have been?  MMMMmmmmmmmehaaahhhh-No!  No it wasn’t.

I will say that the twist and freshness of what they were trying to accomplish, approaching the legend from a different viewpoint and not making it just another carbon copy of what we have seen before, was pretty interesting and I would have loved it even more if it was done to its fullest potential…because being fresh and having a legend being re-envisioned is a really good thing…when done in a way that lives up to what one might expect from the one(s) doing the re-envisioning.

So Tossers, would I recommend the $11.50 + food and drink to go see this…nah…wait until it comes on “Pay-Per-View”/”On-Demand” to see what ends up being a robbing of the “Robin Hood” legend.

Your Lunatic Uncle, Laurence

Well monster movie fans, another Horrorfest has come and gone: more chills, thrills, and blood spills have once again graced the silver screens and disappeared just as quickly.  But After Dark Films understands that your murder-lust cannot be quenched with only a few films once a year so they’ve begun creating their own original horror movies, in a partnership with Lionsgate and the Syfy Chanel.  The latest addition to this new roster of fearful movies is: “The Task”, written by Kenny Yakkel (Dead Air, Exorcism Diaries) and starring Texas Battle (Final Destination 3), Alexandra Staden (Basic Instinct 2), and Jonas Talkington (Harpies).

The Task focuses on a new reality game show where contestants take part in various missions in order to with a large cash prize.  The catch: it’s all done inside the walls of a creepy abandoned prison. The challengers, a group of six anxious students just looking for some easy money, get more than they bargained for when evil spirits begin stalking them.   And as the supernatural threats begin to emerge, body counts begin to rise…

The After Dark Originals series is a great first chance for brand new writers and directors, ready and willing to share their gruesome tales: from aliens to demonic murders.  This batch of fresh new blood is going to be completely produced/financed through After Dark films and the complete run of 8 independent films will be released this fall.

Keep checking for more morbid movie news and updates from After Dark Films…if you dare!

Matthew Rios

I have got to tell you, kiddies!  Iron Man 2 was the best damn thrill ride of a “Comic Book Adaptation” movie that has come out in a long time…well…at least since the first Iron Man was released…of course.  Which means…Marvel Studios is finally catching on!  They finally GET IT!  They understand that we want to be really, really, really happy and wetting our panties to go see one of their movies…movies about Super Heroes that we have come to know and love!  Super Heroes who are realistic enough to believe they can exist, who have faults and who are incredibly flawed…just like the rest of us!

The success of this movie is very much attributed to Jon Favreau, who has really kept true to his vision and the character of Tony Stark/Iron Man.  Plus, accolades also are very deserving for Robert Downey Jr. delivering another incredible performance of a man (who is my hero), wrestling with his flaws, his “shoot from the hip- kid caught in the candy store” mentality of “what can I do to have fun now!”…while facing some serious issues…besides who he would like to bed down for the night.

Gwenyth Paltro is perfect as “Pepper” and Scarlett Johansson makes me just freaking happy to be a man!  Good LORD!  Is she HOT!  Daddy loves the beautiful sweater-twins…yes he does!

Mickey Rourke astonishes as “Whiplash”, even though…the evolution of his character (some aspects of the where-with-all) on which he develops the suit for “Whiplash” is pretty far-fetched…you’ll understand when you watch it.   While Sam Rockwell delivers an annoyingly funny-a$$ performance as a “Lex Luthor” type character…but on the more weasley-nerdish side.

Don Cheadle was a good replacement for Terrance Howard…but…was it necessary?

Regardless, I am really excited that this movie is setting the much needed precedent on how Marvel SHOULD be handling ALL of their Comic to Movie adaptations…if they keep this up…we’ll be seeing more incredibly F*&KING Kick-A$$ movies that really deliver our Super Heroes as they should be delivered…instead of really sucking big donkey dongs like, oh I don’t know…(cough-Spider-Man 2 & 3…cough-X-Men 3 & Wolverine Origins…cough-too many others to mention).

Again…this movie is an incredible  non-stop, wild ride…from start to finish and it keeps the characters fresh, witty, believable and fun to watch.

So…what the hell are you waiting for?!  Go see this movie!  What do you want…an engraved invitation?

Oh, ya…before you leave the theater…kick back…and read all of the names of those who brought you this fine thrill ride of a movie or else you’ll miss who gets HAMMERED!

See ya!

Your XDemented Uncle Laurence

Plot:

OK, now this movie being compared to the Original movie was actually pretty interesting. They gave us a little bit more to the “Freddy Kruger” character. We see a more in-depth view of why the scissor finger killer is the way he is and that was an amazing plot twist to the viewers (you’ll see what I mean when you see the film).

Laurence: I agree…the insight into WHO Freddy Kruger is and how he came to be was an interesting addition…and I use the term “interesting” very loosely.

Acting:

I really did like the fact that they have some unknown actors in this movie. Now considering the original spawned some amazing acting careers, I highly doubt that this movie will do the same for some of the actors and actresses; And Jackie Earle Haley as “Freddy Kruger, I don’t know what to say, he really did an amazing job with the character. He made it his own,  yet kept some of the original quirkiness of the language and one-liners in the script. I think it paid a little homage to Robert Englunds’ version of the character.

Laurence: Ya, I mean, what do you expect from “Jackie Earle Halye”?  I mean, he was already a pretty ugly-mug of an actor to begin with…so the “Freddy Kruger” make-up was just a bonus!  In addition to the some of the funny-a$$ one-liners, I found the “scene by scene” replay a bit…well..unnecessary.  Talk about your unsatisfying “wet dreams”…speaking of which…I would totally nail Nancy’s mom…oh ya…I am freaky that way!

Horror or Comedy:

Now this is where the movie gets really confusing. We are supposed to be seeing a re-make of one of the scariest movies to ever haunt our dreams(literally), well unfortunately the horror aspect of this film died with the 1^st movie in the entire series. Yes, I did jump a couple of times, and I do mean only a couple due to sudden noises and quick showing of the bladed hand. I did see where they tried to make it their own film, but come on, its 2010 can we be a little bit more original? This movie for us “old horror dogs” was really a comedy, A lot of the sequences were highly predictable and that really bugged me. The latest horror re-make, “Friday the 13^th”, gave me way more chills and way more jumpiness. I just don’t know what else to say is except they tried, but miserably failed, epically; and no I’m not exaggerating.

Laurence: Personally, I found the audience reaction more interesting than this movie…besides…where the hell was the T!TS & A$$??!!  I mean, we had some blood (barely), we had the…OK…we really didn’t have the HORROR!  But, DAMN-IT!!  If the other two were missing…I at least want some F*&KING T!TS & A$$!!  Really!  Is that TOO much to ask?

Sorry New Line Cinema & Platinum Dunes…did that HURT?  Well, Too BAD!  You’re in our world now, BITCHES!!

The Whore of Horror movie rating:

Ok here’s the deal, I’m giving this movie a 2/5 stars for being scary and once you see the movie, you’ll further understand my reasoning behind the ranking. Now on the other hand,  I give it a 5/5 stars for being a comedy. Like I said the scissor finger man has some f*cking, hella, amazing one liners.

Did I like the movie?

I like the pop-corn and I got a free “Nightmare on Elm Street” t-shirt. Nuff said…………….

Contrary to Jack’s thoughts on the “pop-corn”…I thought the pop-corn sucked as much as this movie did…and the Coke serving size…who am I…the Munchkin’s of Munchkin Land?!  An Umpa-FU*&ING-LUMPA?!  Come on!  Give me something more than a freaking mini-gulp!

For the “Whore of Horror”: I’m you’re lunatic, Uncle Laurence: Saying…We’ll see you at the movies…just not THIS movie.